How can I not assist you today?

While logging into my Wells Fargo account tonight, I clicked on an ad that sparked my interest. It described government programs available to help me refinance my house, despite the decrease in its value. I was curious because the rates right now are 2% lower than what we're currently paying. 

The president designed two programs to assist homeowners with loan modifications and refinances. We pay our mortgage on time so are ineligible for the modification. Which is fine, I figured as much.

The other option is the Home Affordable Refinance Program. This is meant to provide refinancing options to homeowners unable to refinance due to the drop in their home's value. Neil and I fall into this category. Our loan-to-value ratio is outside the margins allowed for a typical refinance so for now we're staying at 6.25%. I was hoping this assistance program would qualify us for a refinance after all.

This particular government-assistance program is designed for homeowners who:

1. Have a Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac guaranteed mortgage loan. 
yes, that's us

2. Are current on mortgage payments
double-yes

3. Have been unable to refinance their mortgage loan because the home's value has decreased.
yes again! This is sounding too good to be true.

In walks the rub: (boo, hiss, get out of here, rub; you stealer of dreams!)

4. AKA "the rub": Have an adjustable-rate mortgage, interest-only or balloon mortgage.
(insert sound of slowly-deflating balloon here) (or maybe it's a whoopee cushion)

Basically, if you've made stupid, greedy, bad decisions and bitten off more than you can chew in your past, you'll be rewarded by our dumbass government. Maybe the Fed thinks by rewarding your bad behavior, you'll think twice about making the same mistake next time, silly homeowners. Wait. That's right. It doesn't work that way. Heaven forbid we make life easier for those who make smart choices and work hard to honor their debts.

But that's ok. I'll continue making house payments and paying my other bills, because I was raised to understand the meaning of personal responsibility and self-respect. It's an expensive way to live considering the options, but the investment in my dignity is worth every penny paid.

Editor's note: It should be stated that the author of this post is fully aware that extenuating circumstances do exist and acknowledges not everyone who modifies their home loan or loses their home to foreclosure is an r-tard. Tragedies and hardships do happen, unfortunately. This post obviously does not refer to those people or their situations.