I was rambling in the car at Neil tonight, about life and his responsibilities if we ever had a kid. He shot me down quickly with a very firm "I don't want kids."
I've known this about him. I know why he doesn't want them, and I get it. I've never wanted them myself and have always been awkward around them. But, as my body is changing, so is my heart.
I was a fool for thinking he would change his mind, and a fool for thinking I wouldn't. And now I know a loneliness ... a void ... I never knew was there. And so I cry for the child I will never have, never raise and never share my life with. But only for a little while. Because I knew this day would come even before I said "I do."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
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