Compromising on compromise?

How important is compromise in a relationship? I've always felt it was one of the most important devices in a marriage; that a good compromise could leave both sides of the relationship satisfied ... or if one wins this time, the other wins next. Sounds fair, no?

What if the compromise is doing something for the other person that you know they'd really enjoy, despite not wanting to go yourself? We got tickets to go to the Infineon Raceway in Sonoma in August to see a race. The catch? We have to claim we are smokers and agree to receiving marlboro junk mail and spam mail indefinitely. Two hang ups that I really don't want to deal with: lying and junk mail. I hate both.

I made the mistake of expressing these concerns and now Neil refuses to go, instead of taking the opportunity to talk me into how fun it could be. Now he sulks, like it's my fault we aren't going. He doesn't want to hear me complain or talk about it, so he threw the tickets away. Even though I had already warmed up to the idea of going, knowing that once we were there we would have a blast spending the day together. He wouldn't even let me compromise on the compromise ... despite being to his own benefit. He shut down, said no, end of story.

Sounds all too familar, since this is always what happens. Although, when it comes to compromise I think he's definitely ahead of the game: new laptop, new dual-core and fast processor in his computer (compromise was that he had to clean up and sell his fishtank to pay for the computer parts). The fishtank is still dirty and still in our garage. My nagging hasn't worked, my asking nicely hasn't worked. And why should it? When he already has the computer parts. I'd say he's pretty lucky to have me as a wife. Yep.

A friend of mine told me that Neil should compromise on having kids. But I just wouldn't feel right making a deal with a life. How horrible to raise a child with a parent who resents them from day one. Kids are too intuitive for that to go unnoticed.

Whatever. All I want to do is keep my husband happy, but in order to do so I know I need to keep myself happy too. Yet another compromise.

Another week has passed

It's been a long week, but a productive week. Work is busy and I'm trying to stay on top of everything, even the little things I just don't have time for. But, what can you do? Just try to make it work out. Being short-staffed does have the advantage of never lacking a to-do list. Although I do wish I had more time for "catching up and getting ahead." I really don't think that's going to happen anytime soon since it's reliant on multiple people. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my second weigh-in at Weight Watchers. I went last week and had gained half a pound. Back up to 150. I was a bit discouraged because I had been eating so few calories all week while still eating within my points range. But on the plus side, I do feel great and my body feels great and I'm at least happy that I'm putting premium fuel in my tank. We'll see what the results are tomorrow, after two weeks on the plan. Neil has already lost visible weight, which I'm jealous of and proud of all at once. Guys sit and lose weight. We women have to wait, and sometimes even work at it. Figures. The group leader said it was because a woman's body is designed to store fat for pregnancy. Well, not THIS woman's body. Too bad we can't opt out of certain female features. Just like how I want to opt out of paying into social security since I have no chance of ever seeing my cut.

Had lunch with the sis-in-law today. It was fun to see her, and it has been awhile since the last time. Her birthday is in August and so we're planning a trip to meet her in Watsonville. A trip to cooler weather is sounding mighty good right about now.

Into the Void

I was rambling in the car at Neil tonight, about life and his responsibilities if we ever had a kid. He shot me down quickly with a very firm "I don't want kids."

I've known this about him. I know why he doesn't want them, and I get it. I've never wanted them myself and have always been awkward around them. But, as my body is changing, so is my heart.

I was a fool for thinking he would change his mind, and a fool for thinking I wouldn't. And now I know a loneliness ... a void ... I never knew was there. And so I cry for the child I will never have, never raise and never share my life with. But only for a little while. Because I knew this day would come even before I said "I do."

The Plan

I have been on the Weight Watchers plan now for a week. So far so good. I feel better than I've felt in years. I'm getting in the habit of eating so much less than usual, and eating foods that make my body happier. A protein and fiber-filled breakfast every morning sets my hunger level for the day, and then a healthy meal for lunch and dinner with fruit to snack on in between. My body is screaming its appreciation.

I weighed in at the doctors 3 weeks ago at 153 lbs. The heaviest I've been to date. At my first weight watchers meeting on Monday I weighed in at 149 lbs. This could be something as simple as scale variance, rather than losing 4 lbs. So I'm not optimistic since I only started The Plan a week ago. But if done right, I should be losing 2-3 pounds a week. This would put me down to my goal of 125-130lbs in four - five months. I can handle that. I'll just be so happy to be healthy and to FEEL healthy again. The feeling healthy is the important part.

Next weigh in is on Monday. I'm hoping for results.

Hey! Watch that weight.

Neil and I made it to the cabin in one piece. We got his car back the day before we headed up, with the a.c. running in full force. I picked his car up and dropped mine off in exchange. After a week of rest and relaxation and quiet time spent at the cabin we headed back to town and picked up my car on the way home. So all is well in the world of cars, and our bank account has $550 less in it. C'est la vie right?

On Friday, I did something proactive. I joined Weight Watchers. At the doctor's a couple of weeks ago I weighed in at 153 lbs, the most I have ever weighed. Granted to some people that might not seem like a lot. But on my almost 5'7" frame that has always been pretty skinny ... it IS a lot.

So with the help of Weight Watchers and counting points and learning portion control, I hope to get my weight down to my goal weight of 130lbs. My appropriate weight range for my height and age is 128-160 lbs and of course I'd rather be at the lower end of that weight range. For the last several years I've eaten whatever I wanted without paying any heed to just how much and what it was that I was shoving down my throat. Fat and calories and tons of processed foods that have done nothing but presented me with the challenge that I now face.

For me, this is so much more than weight loss. This is training. Teaching me that my body doesn't need to eat so much; that my body shouldn't have to crave sweet, fat and salt all the time; that I can fill up on liquids and nuts instead of potato chips. This really is going to be a routine change. Neil is following along with me, and that support is really helping. I've been entering every single thing I eat into my Points Tracker online. Seeing the running balance of my points allowance left for a given day is really helpful. This is also a great diet plan because you can still enjoy your favorite foods, just in smaller amounts. You can still eat sweets and fats, just in alternate forms. It's all about learning to make healthier choices.

I'm looking forward to this. I need to push myself to be healthier. Not only for my own benefit, but for Neil, for my family, and for any future family that may come along.

Luckily Neil and I LOVE Trader Joe's. We'll be shopping there quite often for our healthy meals in low-point values. Also, I can eat a ton of sashimi whenever we go out for sushi and that makes me really happy.

Thank you to my coworkers who have inspired me to finally do something about the path I was heading down at 100mph. Two of my coworkers are gym-goers and stay toned and trim. Another has been on Weight Watchers since December and has been very successful with it. She looks fantastic and she did it all without fanatical trips to the gym. That is realistic for me. I am not the type to work out like crazy for a few hours just to burn off 200 calories. But I think once I get down to my goal weight I can then maintain that weight by going to the gym and toning up my muscles at that time.

Anyway, I'm going in for my first official weight watchers meeting and weigh-in tonight. I'm hoping to meet successful women as well as women who are struggling with their love for eating like I do. Having a support group during this time is invaluable to me.

Just one more thing ...

That's all I need before leaving for vacation on which I am supposed to relax and forget my worries. But life is making that virtually impossible. Mostly because I'm not sure if we'll even have transportation to get to our destination. That to me is the most frustrating of all of this.

I can handle the stupid-ass parking ticket I got from the City of Sacramento for parking in a wrong space between the wrong hours in a parking garage that I have a monthly permit for. I can handle the fact that I'm 30 pounds overweight. I can even handle the fact that no matter how hard I try to save money, things come up that shove my money right into the hands of someone else. What I cannot handle, is not having reliable transportation.

We took Neil's saab in to the shop last Saturday to have the a.c. recharged. Well, they found a leak with a hose. Tried to repair it. New hose also has a leak. So they replaced something else. A.C. still doesn't work. So each day we get the message "oh, well, we're going to need it for one more day." Even though he knows we need to have it back by Friday to go on our vacation. I've had an entire engine rebuilt in under a week and an entire side of my car rebuilt in two. I have no idea why it's taking them 5 days to fix an a.c. I have a running theory that they either took it on an extended vacation, or they wrecked the car during a test drive and are doing the body work to cover it up. I honestly don't know if we'll ever have that car back. It's a dramatic thing to say, but I'm feeling very emotional right now so bear with me.

To make matters worse, my car decides to crap out on us at the exact same time. The only form of transportation we have between the two of us to get us to our places of work this week and it decides to be a little bitch. At slow speeds it shuts itself off. Yeah ... it should be snuffed alright. I should have bought that Subaru when I was tempted. At least then I'd still have transportation to go on vacation ... whether we could afford anything beyond that is a problem I would deal with at a later date.

I'm so stressed out. Work is insanely busy with people demanding more from us than we have time for (and most are silly tasks) and now all this crap is going on when all I wanted was the peace that was promised with our getaway. Yeah, it's just the cabin ... but that means no cell phones, no internet, no computers. Just me, Neil and the dogs.

But who knows what will happen in the next two days. I'm stressed. And the last thing I need ... is one more thing.

Three's a crowd

We experienced another celebrity death trifecta yesterday. Farrah Faucet passed away yesterday morning, followed by the legend Michael Jackson a few hours later (from cardiac arrest). A few days prior to this news, Ed McMahon passed away.

Anyway, I'm only mentioning this all for documentation. I really, truly, honestly couldn't care less that these three celebrities left this world. They really didn't mean much to me. I can see how so many people would care about MJ because he was such a phenomenon. But I do believe he was finally served a lethal dose of karma for all the messed up things he's done. At least we have some good cd's to listen to. He did give us that much.

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In other news, we moved offices from our old location to our new location downtown. We are now right on J st near the freeway, within walking distance of the Downtown Plaza Mall and Old Sacramento. So many opportunities abound here and I'm sure much fun is to be had by all us young women in the office. There is a farmer's market that happens right outside the front of our office building every Thursday morning, so I'm really excited about that. I'm going to take some cash with me this coming week and pick up some fresh corn and fruit to take with us when we go to the cabin. That trip can't get here soon enough.

But for now, I'm going to go put my aching body down on the couch. I ate so much sushi I can barely breathe. Time to go let the calories turn themselves to fat. Oh holy moley.

Brace Yourselves

For the last year now I have been noticing an aching in my wrists and fingers when I wake up each morning, which only worsens after a full day of work on the computer. Recently, about 2 weeks ago is when I first noticed it, the "aching" turned to "weakening." I just thought I had a weak grip when I could no longer open jars, and weak wrists when I could no longer hold a casserole dish or a pot of water with one hand. And tonight it was hard to even take the gallon of milk out of the fridge without catching it with my backup hand.

Carpal Tunnel. Apparently 3x more women suffer from it than men. Figures. I wonder if 3x more women tend to have computer-based jobs: secretary, admin assistant, etc. (Am I being too sexist here?)

My dad is a certified ergonomics assessor. He knows exactly what causes and creates carpal tunnel and how to prevent it. So at his chiropractor's suggestion I bought braces to wear while I sleep. I am also getting in the habit of icing down my wrists and hands each night after work and taking a butt-load of Ibuprofen (yes, butt-load is a real adjective. def: a whole heck of a lot). As a result, I'll probably end up with a bleeding stomach, but at this point that's the lesser of my evils. I have to keep my wrists and hands in good shape. They're my livelihood. And, if we ever do end up having a child, I want to be able to care for him/her. I want to be supportive and self-sufficient. If I have to rely on Neil for everything with childcare I know he'll start to resent me. It might not be intentionally, but I know it would eventually happen that way.

So here I am. Trying to heal myself and hoping I've caught it in time to avoid surgery.

In other news, my office is moving downtown this Friday. Gone are the days of a back-roads commute and abundant parking. Hello to city parking garages and freeway congestion. But supposedly, if I time it right, I can make it to the office from Elk Grove in 20 minutes. If that's true, it'll actually be a faster commute for me, down from my usual 45.

Patience (a virtue not yet mastered)

I've found myself growing restless. For what, I'm not entirely sure. Several things. I just wish we were at a more comfortable place in life to accomplish the things I have in mind. A new (to me) car is in the near future, whether I like the idea or not. So, it's on the horizon and competing with other adventures. We'd like to put in new floors in our house because the carpet is so nasty. But with the necessary new car, the dream of new floors is thereby set aside.

And as I get older (27 this year), I find myself noticing families growing all around me. Is this actually the fact of life that has made me the most restless? Even after all my resisting it? Could I possibly want a little family? The answer is yes. Not a big one. Just one, single addition. That's it. I don't think I could emotionally or physically handle more. I know Neil will have a hard time even with one, so I really don't want to overextend what I can manage myself. Although I'm hoping that he'll soften up whenever that day comes. He's so patient with me and my episodes that I think he'd be great with a child. Whether he wants to admit that or acknowledge it or not. But now is not the time for any of that. It hurts to even think about it knowing there's nothing I can do right now. We just don't have the finances, plain and simple. And who knows if either of us will have our jobs next week or next month or next year. I just can't help wondering when it will be our time, if ever. Just have to trust that God will let us know.

Geez. The things I think about when working alone at home. Not good.

Putting faces to the names

Thought I would post a picture of our two girls, just so my many many readers can finally put a face to a name.

PUP 1
Our basset hound is Lola, and she is the happiest dog you will ever meet. Nothing gets her down. I really wish I could live in a world like hers. She is 2 years old, 40lbs and stands 13.5" at the withers, and is quite a character. She gets into everything, eats everything, and is stubborn as a rock. But we adore her. She is our comic relief and that is a quality we are always thankful for. We adopted her from a private party last August and she has really made Lucy very happy with her companionship.




PUP 2
This is Lucy, our black Great Dane(ty). We call her this because at 95lbs, she is about 30-50lbs lighter than most female danes. Her bones are thinner and she's relatively small. Her chest is not as deep as the standard, but her legs are long and she stands 33" at the withers. We adopted her from a Great Dane rescue when she was 8 months old. She's 2 years old now. She's a sweet, cautious, beautiful girl, and is my heart dog. I dread the day I lose her.




Here are the girls on the golf course at our cabin at Mt. Shasta/lake Shastina. It's such a good place for them to run and run like crazy. Lola keeps up pretty well with the long-legged Lucy.

Just 7 months to go

I really wish I were better at updating this thing. But I rarely have something so deeply interesting to share that it's worth writing down and saving for later.

Neil and I booked our stay in Oahu/Maui in January. His parents are letting us use their time in their condo/timeshare on Maui and so we're taking the opportunity to visit a good friend who lives on Oahu while we're there. Since the lodgings are covered, we really only need to come up with the airfare for this 1 1/2 week stay in paradise. We are "finding" this money for the tickets by only painting the front of our house, instead of the entire exterior as originally planned. This much we can do ourselves and save the money for something more relaxing that we'll get more out of ... maybe not in the long run of course, but vacations and getaways keep you healthy. It's good for your mind and body to get out of your routine and see a beautiful tropical island in the process. I'm excited and January can't come fast enough. I think this is the first time in my life I've ever wished the winter would hurry up and get here. Plus, it's good to get in one more long vacation before the day comes when we might not be able to so easily drop everything and go. I will not take it for granted.

We've been having issues with our neighbor's two rottweilers attacking our fence and barking at us every time we step into our backyard. A few weeks ago they broke through the fence and went after our basset hound, Lola. Luckily she wasn't hurt, but it could have been much worse than it was. Regardless, we expected the neighbor to remedy the situation by fixing the broken gate on the dog run on the other side of his house. Well, he didn't. We suffered through two more weeks of annoying, frothing, barking, rabid dogs trying to kill us every time we cut the grass, pulled weeds, grilled, took out the trash, let the dogs out, walked, talked, breathed ... I got to the point where I was composing a letter in my mind to tape to his door, or at least to speak to him if I could ever catch him home. Then yesterday, just as I had made up my mind to confront him (nicely), I happened to notice they were back in the dog run. Thank the lord, we can go back to enjoying our yard again. I was dreading making it an issue since he's not a very nice guy, but thankfully my prayers were answered the way I wanted them to be.

Our new favorite TV show is True Blood. We can't stop watching it. The 2nd season just started and it's already got me riveted and antsy for the next week. It's full of violence, wit, humor, sex, satire, diversity, racism, hate, love and everything in between. Now that's some good tv.

Halfway around the block

I went to the Asian Market today to get some chicken feet for the dogs. Apparently it's a cultural favorite to eat them fried or cooked I guess. But it was the least weird thing in the meat department there. What on earth is squab? Is that really pigeon? But there were all different types of meats and all different parts. It was really an eye-opener and kinda fun that you can feel so lost when only 10 miles from your house. All I know is that the dogs love the chicken feet and they're extremely good for them. So ... for them I lose myself in culture.

Counting

I'm counting calories now and really watching what I eat. Today starts the real diet for me and it's going to be so tough, especially going to Neil's parents for the weekend where all they do is load us up on sweets and whole milk. Blech. I'm going to bring some water bottles and some crystal light packets so at least ONE thing with my meals will be calorie-free.

This morning, had one egg and a cup of coffee with a small bit of milk and sweetened with Splenda. Had some carrots just before going for a nice long walk with the dogs (who are both now passed out on the floor). Not quite sure what I'm going to do for lunch but it will probably consist of some mini oranges, applesauce and some edemame.

The cat just pooped in the litter box, which unfortunately is in my office. It smells awful in here. I'll have to finish up at a later time. Must ... get ... clean ... oxygen.

April showers bring....

It's May already ...... MAY! How is that even possible?

I recently joined in on the Twitter fad, but I honestly don't think it's going anywhere. Facebook really is the "all-encompassing" application for my needs and honestly, why do people really need to be updated on my every move? Plus, I don't get unlimited texts, so the bill could really add up.

I've been staying busy. We're trying to figure out a time when we can get the house painted and we're struggling with whether to have it painted or painting most of it ourselves. A family friend should be able to do the whole house for $1500 and if that's the case it's a done deal. Having the house painted will help its appearance so much. I can hardly stand the wait.

Everyone seems to be losing their jobs these days. The economy is the most talked about media-bit in the last 12 months and increasingly so over the last few months. The unemployment rates have skyrocketed and I'm praying every day that Neil and I are able to both stay employed. Times aren't looking good for publications, the advertising isn't coming in as it used to. Neil's bank is looking healthy though, and my magazine is hanging in there. We can't ask for better than that at this point.

Some things coming up in the future ... Mother's Day, doggy dash to benefit the SSPCA and another walk we're doing before a Journey concert at Raley Field. It's going to be another busy month and before you know it, June will be here.

Man of the House

The man of this house is my best friend. He may not like football or sports or dogs or being outside... but he loves ME. I gave him a day off from me and our insane basset hound by heading with Lola to my parents' house for their Superbowl party, leaving Neil and our Great Dane, Lucy to fend for themselves and enjoy the quiet.

Neil very generously donated his free day to fixing up my home office. I have the wonderful ability to work from home most days a week but have since been using my laptop on the couch. Neil selflessly gave me his mac, bought me a flat-screen monitor, new keyboard and speakers. He also painted the room a nice stoney beige color that we had picked out a few weeks ago. My new desk and new office chair and new bookcase all went back into the room and it's beautiful. He did such a great job and had it all done by the time I got home from my parents'. It just really made my day.

Anyway, my husband is the best. Just had to brag.