The Art of Tongue Control

This always seems to happen to me on days I work at home. The work office offers a slight escape from my brain that I otherwise have a hard time silencing when alone in my home.

I was listening to my i-tunes while working and a recording from one of my favorite sermons came up in the queue. Pastor Dan from Calvary church in Manteca (where I attended every Sunday through most of my high school years) is the pastor I have the most respect for and actually pay attention to. His sermons are relevant, and always remind us that we are not perfect, but we can strive to make our lives and the lives of those around us better. I love that he always includes himself in with those who struggle, instead of putting his righteous self on the pedestal above us. Yes, he's a trained servant of God ... but yes, he's still human and makes mistakes. That's the most personal relevance I can think of when it comes to spiritual lecturing.

This particular sermon was part of his Learning Self Control series he did back in 2000. It connected with me on such a personal level that I requested a copy of it on cd so I could remind myself of who I want to be to my family, to my friends and to myself. Basically, it's about learning to control what you say; to think before you speak. I can recall several times when I've shoved my foot in my mouth and felt instant regret for things I've said to someone or about someone. This is not who I want to be. I need to practice restraint, and to only speak when what I have to say is honest, helpful and inspirational to do so. The tongue is a very powerful weapon that can tear relationships apart in a second. It's a weapon that needs to be kept under tight control.

Pastor Dan quoted "you have more to gain from a friend who is honest, than from a friend with a flattering tongue." I just wish everyone would see this. So many out there are horrified of the truth and want nothing to do with hearing it. Which in turn makes friends shy away from telling it. Either way, I want to be able to tell the truth to a friend when it is important to do so. Should I not feel it necessary information for their well-being, I'd like to be able to shut my mouth and say nothing at all rather than give false hopes or lie to make them momentarily happier. It's a real struggle for me, especially when most friends really like the flattery.

But it's just not right if a friendship is only good for the flattery. Where is the friend of substance? The friend that will actually be a shoulder to lean on and not be afraid to cut you a bit to help you heal? Those are few and very far between.

The First Five

I'm down a total of 5.6 lbs. It doesn't seem like that much when you look at it in numbers and it's kind of discouraging that it's taken 6 weeks to lose almost 6 pounds. They say that losing your first five pounds is always tough on the program. I've always heard the last five are. Oh well, you can't rush these things when doing it the right way. When adapting to a lifestyle change, rather than a diet. But I feel so good. My mood is better. My pants fit better. My under garments are getting too big. And I'm just happier. Funny how taking care of yourself makes such a difference in your perspective. Just 1.4 pounds left to get to my first 5%. 7 lbs. The next milestone will be 10% (14 pounds lost). I will be done when I reach my goal weight of 130. I've got some more waiting left to do and some zumba classes to keep loving. At least this doesn't feel like a diet. I would have given up a long time ago if it did. Weight watchers is probably one of the best things I've ever done for myself and my health. Talk about an improvement.

Now that I got that out of my system ... moving on. Random thought of the day, myspace has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't logged into my profile in months. I keep getting emails from them saying "don't you want to see what your friends are doing on myspace?" And I think in my head ... I don't need to, because they're all on facebook. I guess it's one of those things in which you notice what interests you more than what doesn't. Because FB is everywhere and Myspace seems to have jumped ship (or maybe it's still popular with the tweens and I'm just removed from the loop?). What a strange turn of events.

Anyway, just checking in. It's late and I think I'll call it a night earlier than usual.

At Least There's a Code

We've been watching episodes of Dexter lately. One after the other. It's become an addiction. A show that leaves you hanging, wondering all day what will happen next until you can finally come home from work and play a few more episodes. In the last week and a half we have burned through nearly 2 seasons and it's been a whirlwind.

The amazing part is this: You end up really liking a serial killer. It goes against every moral fiber of my being. This man kills people, because he can't help it. But he has a code of ethics, so that makes it ok right? His conscience prevents him from killing anyone undeserving of such an end. His victims are murderers; bad people that our lawful justice system fails to find or lock up. Our hero ... right? Is Dexter the dark defender, protector of the unprotected; the innocent? Even still, it disturbs me. To know there can be such a dark place in a person (his dark place grew in him at the age of three, after watching his mother get chain-sawed to death and then marinating in a pool of her blood for two days before he was found.) That's enough to attract evil demons; to rewire an otherwise innocent mind. It made me wonder how many real serial killers start their lives out in such a horrific manner. Are they really just born without feeling and human connection? Or does something so deep and disgusting cause it? I find the psyche of the human mind fascinating. Abnormal Psych was my favorite class in college. How can one person have a twisted beginning to life and turn out "normal," while another person has the perfect childhood but still ends up living in shadow? What Dexter developed into almost seems justified. Almost.

This show toys with my emotions; my beliefs. What's right and what's wrong, and where are the lines drawn? Or is it more of a gray area? Whatever it is, it has me feeling so sorry for Dexter. For what he became, for the good person he really is despite his unconventional "need." It's a weird, heavy unnatural thing to feel. Thank heavens this is all a bit of fiction. I can just chalk it up to excellent writing and supreme acting ... right?

Shopping Spree

Apparently my credit card decided to travel out of state and do some shopping at Toys R Us and JC Penny today. My bank called me to let me know that they had some curious charges come through and they needed me to confirm them. Since I hadn't been traveling ... no, I didn't charge that amount at Toys R Us in Michigan. No, I didn't try to purchase almost $300 worth of goods at JC Penny's ... in Michigan.

Apparently my credit card was a victim of "skimming." A skimming device can be attached somewhere near where credit cards are swiped (gas stations, ATMs, Best Buy, etc) and it picks up the card information. That information can then be copied and programmed to a blank card, which can then be used by mysterious people in Michigan, with children.

There's really not much you can do to prevent this either. Experts suggest paying cash in restaurants or any other place in which your card is taken out of your sight. But beyond that ...

What I really find entertaining is what the "swiper" actually ends up using the stolen card for. Toys R Us? Kind of ironic, right? "Hey there kiddos, I'm going to be a good parent and buy you the toys you deserve with someone else's hard-earned money." Or then there was the time when Neil's debit card was stolen by some punk waiter at Red Robin who used it to pay his balance on his Wal-Mart card.

I can see why skimming is becoming such a huge problem in this decrepit country of ours. Instead of working 2-3 jobs to get by, people are choosing to steal from their fellow countrymen because it's easier and can be done from the comfort of their crummy home. There really is no hope for this society, and the few of us left with any dignity and self-respect are now out of money.

New man in town

Got a new show to add to the list of faves. Dexter. It's weird to root for a serial killer.

Conversation Peace

So who do you talk things out with if the person you are closest to seems uninterested in your current dilemma? Has he not figured out by now that I am a woman of conversation? That I need to talk my thoughts through so that I can maybe find a revelation in a tiny piece of dialect I would have never otherwise heard? Not to mention, analytical speech makes me feel better. But not when the person I'm talking to gives me less feedback and attention than a log. And on important matters to me and my professional well-being, you think that would matter to him as well.

And so I turn to blogging. A quick and honest way for me to blabber on without boring someone. If you want to read (and I'll admit it, no one does) then it's here. If you don't, it's easily avoidable. I wouldn't know the difference anyway.

Blogging. What is it really? Especially, what does it mean when you are your only reader? Is it necessary for blogs to follow a theme, or storyline? Do they have to always be interesting? Because daily life isn't always interesting. Which makes it real.

Real reality. Not like tv. Not a scripted "reality" tv show that promises to expose the lives of every day families' drama and relationships. Oh no. Life is not that interesting; perspective is, however.

So, does a blogger need a reason to blog? I saw the film Julie and Julia today and her idea made sense to me; made me crave an interesting hobby just so I could blog about it. The only thing I have to update on is my journey with Weight Watchers. I got a weight watchers cookbook the other day and was tempted to do a similar "one recipe a day" experience. But obviously, that's been done. And I am the most unoriginal person on the planet. Learn by imitation ... that's me.

Who knows. One of these days a fantastic idea could punch me in the face. But until then, I'll continue venting and updating about my boring life, for no one to read but me.

The Brick Wall

There's a brick wall on the horizon, as was discussed in an impromptu conversation with coworkers this morning. We're on a train track headed for that brick wall at about 100 mph without brakes. The train is my company. The wall is eminent doom. The only thing we don't know it is just how much track we have left to go.

So, I've decided it is time to dust off the old work and figure out what to do about my website situation. I currently have no skills in actual site creation. So I am forced to buy a template. I hate this idea, but I'd rather my work look polished and be up on the web for people to see than have it be on some crummy site that doesn't show my work off as well as it needs to.

I'm not quite decided on what to do yet. I love my job and would really like to ride the train into the wall. Because what if for some reason, we swerve at the last second and continue on to publish more news about Sacramento's regional business happenings? I'd love to be a part of it. I'm comfortable, I know my place here, and I actually like my coworkers. So I'll probably stay until the end, in the hopes that the end gets pushed off for awhile longer.

But just in case we hit that wall head first, I need to be ready.
And so begins my efforts to create a new design identity for myself. My efforts to put together a portfolio that hasn't seen the sun for 3 years. My efforts to keep on keepin' on.

P.S. - God? ... I'm going to need you by my side every step of the way. You've always been with me and have given me the skills to take care of myself, so I'm glad I can count on you now.

Progress of sorts

I've been working hard at trying to eat better foods and change my kitchen habits from lazy and convenient to fresh and healthy. It's been going along great and I've actually been enjoying playing around in the kitchen and discovering that I can make food that tastes good. Who would have thought?

So far I've lost about 2.5 pounds. It doesn't seem like a lot with all the changes I've made in the diet but they keep saying in our weekly meetings that while losing weight, you have to wait. That changes to your lifestyle won't result in instant gratifications. This is the hardest part for me because I'm such a results-oriented person. I want PAY OFF! My first time getting weighed in after a week of being on the weight watchers plan saw me gaining half a pound. It's really not that big of deal but when I was counting on losing 2-3 pounds a week (the healthy recommended loss amount) I was a bit disappointed. But that's ok because the next time I was in I was down 2 pounds and lost another 1/2 pound the following week.

So, here I am. I think I weigh less now but who knows. I wasn't very good this weekend and I ate not only a huge bowl of cinnamon toasters (which won't happen again now that i've polished off the box), but I had a huge cheese quesadilla and 5 tequila sunrises while out with friends last night. But it was worth it. If I went out with friends several times a week then I would be concerned. Most nights we were at home, in our kitchen, having our veggie-laden meals. It's nice to be with friends, and it's nice to slack off a bit and cut loose when around them.

And besides ... who could actually resist the quesadilla pirate? Certainly not me!

Calendar girl

Got a random call just before Zumba class tonight from a photographer and his wife who took photos of Lucy and some of our other friends' Danes after the 2008 Doggy Dash. We walked as a group to help benefit the SSPCA, and while we were there the photographers wanted to get some Dane pictures. They take several different dog photos and sell the stock art to calendar companies.

Well, 2008/2009 passed (almost). I didn't hear from the photographers when the 2009 calendars were released so I figured it wasn't to be. But to get this call from this photographer more than a year later ... She said Lucy's photo had been chosen to go in the 2010 Great Dane international calendar (featuring all natural-eared Danes). She's to be Miss January for an entire year, seen on a national and international level. So exciting!

It's actually kind of funny because when the photographers sent me the proof shots soon after they were taken in 2008, I thought they weren't that great. But apparently they're great enough to be chosen for a calendar. Awesome!

Here's a sneak peak of the lucky calendar pups. Lucy, as Miss January, is in the upper left-hand corner. This is so fun. Guess I know what everyone will be getting for Christmas this year. Whether they like great danes or not!

Oh, and we finally got a new tv. Old one has seen its last days. More details later.

Salad is what food eats

So I didn't really clock much weight loss on the scale this week. I'm down only another .2 of a pound. For a total loss of 1.6 pounds in 2 weeks. Not bad, I guess? And this is the beginning of my "woman week" so I'm probably bloated with about 5 pounds of water (my fingers are crossed on this one). But overall it's not how much weight I'm losing, it's how healthy I'm feeling. And that is an obvious perk. I'm learning to make decisions that not only make my pants fit a bit looser, but they make my body smile from head to toe.

Neil has lost 5 pounds so far. I'm really pleased with this. He seems excited about it and for once is really being serious with a "diet/lifestyle change" that we've been needing for years. We certainly can't afford to buy new suits for him, so eating less and losing weight seems like the better (and healthier) choice. Especially in the long run.

I watched SuperSize Me last week and have cured any cravings for Fast Food. I was so grossed out by the findings of that documentary that I don't think I could ever walk in to a fast food restaurant again and find something I'm happy with. If that's not motivation to make better choices, I don't know what is.

Also, I started a Zumba class with some friends at the gym on Friday nights. We're thinking about also expanding and doing the Monday and Wed night classes as well. It works your tail off and even though I looked ridiculous dancing and tripping over my feet ... I was moving every part of me for a solid hour and my entire body was dripping with sweat. I can't wait to go back. What a fun way to exercise!! And thank heavens calories don't care what you look like when you're dancing.

Compromising on compromise?

How important is compromise in a relationship? I've always felt it was one of the most important devices in a marriage; that a good compromise could leave both sides of the relationship satisfied ... or if one wins this time, the other wins next. Sounds fair, no?

What if the compromise is doing something for the other person that you know they'd really enjoy, despite not wanting to go yourself? We got tickets to go to the Infineon Raceway in Sonoma in August to see a race. The catch? We have to claim we are smokers and agree to receiving marlboro junk mail and spam mail indefinitely. Two hang ups that I really don't want to deal with: lying and junk mail. I hate both.

I made the mistake of expressing these concerns and now Neil refuses to go, instead of taking the opportunity to talk me into how fun it could be. Now he sulks, like it's my fault we aren't going. He doesn't want to hear me complain or talk about it, so he threw the tickets away. Even though I had already warmed up to the idea of going, knowing that once we were there we would have a blast spending the day together. He wouldn't even let me compromise on the compromise ... despite being to his own benefit. He shut down, said no, end of story.

Sounds all too familar, since this is always what happens. Although, when it comes to compromise I think he's definitely ahead of the game: new laptop, new dual-core and fast processor in his computer (compromise was that he had to clean up and sell his fishtank to pay for the computer parts). The fishtank is still dirty and still in our garage. My nagging hasn't worked, my asking nicely hasn't worked. And why should it? When he already has the computer parts. I'd say he's pretty lucky to have me as a wife. Yep.

A friend of mine told me that Neil should compromise on having kids. But I just wouldn't feel right making a deal with a life. How horrible to raise a child with a parent who resents them from day one. Kids are too intuitive for that to go unnoticed.

Whatever. All I want to do is keep my husband happy, but in order to do so I know I need to keep myself happy too. Yet another compromise.

Another week has passed

It's been a long week, but a productive week. Work is busy and I'm trying to stay on top of everything, even the little things I just don't have time for. But, what can you do? Just try to make it work out. Being short-staffed does have the advantage of never lacking a to-do list. Although I do wish I had more time for "catching up and getting ahead." I really don't think that's going to happen anytime soon since it's reliant on multiple people. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my second weigh-in at Weight Watchers. I went last week and had gained half a pound. Back up to 150. I was a bit discouraged because I had been eating so few calories all week while still eating within my points range. But on the plus side, I do feel great and my body feels great and I'm at least happy that I'm putting premium fuel in my tank. We'll see what the results are tomorrow, after two weeks on the plan. Neil has already lost visible weight, which I'm jealous of and proud of all at once. Guys sit and lose weight. We women have to wait, and sometimes even work at it. Figures. The group leader said it was because a woman's body is designed to store fat for pregnancy. Well, not THIS woman's body. Too bad we can't opt out of certain female features. Just like how I want to opt out of paying into social security since I have no chance of ever seeing my cut.

Had lunch with the sis-in-law today. It was fun to see her, and it has been awhile since the last time. Her birthday is in August and so we're planning a trip to meet her in Watsonville. A trip to cooler weather is sounding mighty good right about now.

Into the Void

I was rambling in the car at Neil tonight, about life and his responsibilities if we ever had a kid. He shot me down quickly with a very firm "I don't want kids."

I've known this about him. I know why he doesn't want them, and I get it. I've never wanted them myself and have always been awkward around them. But, as my body is changing, so is my heart.

I was a fool for thinking he would change his mind, and a fool for thinking I wouldn't. And now I know a loneliness ... a void ... I never knew was there. And so I cry for the child I will never have, never raise and never share my life with. But only for a little while. Because I knew this day would come even before I said "I do."

The Plan

I have been on the Weight Watchers plan now for a week. So far so good. I feel better than I've felt in years. I'm getting in the habit of eating so much less than usual, and eating foods that make my body happier. A protein and fiber-filled breakfast every morning sets my hunger level for the day, and then a healthy meal for lunch and dinner with fruit to snack on in between. My body is screaming its appreciation.

I weighed in at the doctors 3 weeks ago at 153 lbs. The heaviest I've been to date. At my first weight watchers meeting on Monday I weighed in at 149 lbs. This could be something as simple as scale variance, rather than losing 4 lbs. So I'm not optimistic since I only started The Plan a week ago. But if done right, I should be losing 2-3 pounds a week. This would put me down to my goal of 125-130lbs in four - five months. I can handle that. I'll just be so happy to be healthy and to FEEL healthy again. The feeling healthy is the important part.

Next weigh in is on Monday. I'm hoping for results.