Compromising on compromise?

How important is compromise in a relationship? I've always felt it was one of the most important devices in a marriage; that a good compromise could leave both sides of the relationship satisfied ... or if one wins this time, the other wins next. Sounds fair, no?

What if the compromise is doing something for the other person that you know they'd really enjoy, despite not wanting to go yourself? We got tickets to go to the Infineon Raceway in Sonoma in August to see a race. The catch? We have to claim we are smokers and agree to receiving marlboro junk mail and spam mail indefinitely. Two hang ups that I really don't want to deal with: lying and junk mail. I hate both.

I made the mistake of expressing these concerns and now Neil refuses to go, instead of taking the opportunity to talk me into how fun it could be. Now he sulks, like it's my fault we aren't going. He doesn't want to hear me complain or talk about it, so he threw the tickets away. Even though I had already warmed up to the idea of going, knowing that once we were there we would have a blast spending the day together. He wouldn't even let me compromise on the compromise ... despite being to his own benefit. He shut down, said no, end of story.

Sounds all too familar, since this is always what happens. Although, when it comes to compromise I think he's definitely ahead of the game: new laptop, new dual-core and fast processor in his computer (compromise was that he had to clean up and sell his fishtank to pay for the computer parts). The fishtank is still dirty and still in our garage. My nagging hasn't worked, my asking nicely hasn't worked. And why should it? When he already has the computer parts. I'd say he's pretty lucky to have me as a wife. Yep.

A friend of mine told me that Neil should compromise on having kids. But I just wouldn't feel right making a deal with a life. How horrible to raise a child with a parent who resents them from day one. Kids are too intuitive for that to go unnoticed.

Whatever. All I want to do is keep my husband happy, but in order to do so I know I need to keep myself happy too. Yet another compromise.

Another week has passed

It's been a long week, but a productive week. Work is busy and I'm trying to stay on top of everything, even the little things I just don't have time for. But, what can you do? Just try to make it work out. Being short-staffed does have the advantage of never lacking a to-do list. Although I do wish I had more time for "catching up and getting ahead." I really don't think that's going to happen anytime soon since it's reliant on multiple people. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my second weigh-in at Weight Watchers. I went last week and had gained half a pound. Back up to 150. I was a bit discouraged because I had been eating so few calories all week while still eating within my points range. But on the plus side, I do feel great and my body feels great and I'm at least happy that I'm putting premium fuel in my tank. We'll see what the results are tomorrow, after two weeks on the plan. Neil has already lost visible weight, which I'm jealous of and proud of all at once. Guys sit and lose weight. We women have to wait, and sometimes even work at it. Figures. The group leader said it was because a woman's body is designed to store fat for pregnancy. Well, not THIS woman's body. Too bad we can't opt out of certain female features. Just like how I want to opt out of paying into social security since I have no chance of ever seeing my cut.

Had lunch with the sis-in-law today. It was fun to see her, and it has been awhile since the last time. Her birthday is in August and so we're planning a trip to meet her in Watsonville. A trip to cooler weather is sounding mighty good right about now.

Into the Void

I was rambling in the car at Neil tonight, about life and his responsibilities if we ever had a kid. He shot me down quickly with a very firm "I don't want kids."

I've known this about him. I know why he doesn't want them, and I get it. I've never wanted them myself and have always been awkward around them. But, as my body is changing, so is my heart.

I was a fool for thinking he would change his mind, and a fool for thinking I wouldn't. And now I know a loneliness ... a void ... I never knew was there. And so I cry for the child I will never have, never raise and never share my life with. But only for a little while. Because I knew this day would come even before I said "I do."

The Plan

I have been on the Weight Watchers plan now for a week. So far so good. I feel better than I've felt in years. I'm getting in the habit of eating so much less than usual, and eating foods that make my body happier. A protein and fiber-filled breakfast every morning sets my hunger level for the day, and then a healthy meal for lunch and dinner with fruit to snack on in between. My body is screaming its appreciation.

I weighed in at the doctors 3 weeks ago at 153 lbs. The heaviest I've been to date. At my first weight watchers meeting on Monday I weighed in at 149 lbs. This could be something as simple as scale variance, rather than losing 4 lbs. So I'm not optimistic since I only started The Plan a week ago. But if done right, I should be losing 2-3 pounds a week. This would put me down to my goal of 125-130lbs in four - five months. I can handle that. I'll just be so happy to be healthy and to FEEL healthy again. The feeling healthy is the important part.

Next weigh in is on Monday. I'm hoping for results.

Hey! Watch that weight.

Neil and I made it to the cabin in one piece. We got his car back the day before we headed up, with the a.c. running in full force. I picked his car up and dropped mine off in exchange. After a week of rest and relaxation and quiet time spent at the cabin we headed back to town and picked up my car on the way home. So all is well in the world of cars, and our bank account has $550 less in it. C'est la vie right?

On Friday, I did something proactive. I joined Weight Watchers. At the doctor's a couple of weeks ago I weighed in at 153 lbs, the most I have ever weighed. Granted to some people that might not seem like a lot. But on my almost 5'7" frame that has always been pretty skinny ... it IS a lot.

So with the help of Weight Watchers and counting points and learning portion control, I hope to get my weight down to my goal weight of 130lbs. My appropriate weight range for my height and age is 128-160 lbs and of course I'd rather be at the lower end of that weight range. For the last several years I've eaten whatever I wanted without paying any heed to just how much and what it was that I was shoving down my throat. Fat and calories and tons of processed foods that have done nothing but presented me with the challenge that I now face.

For me, this is so much more than weight loss. This is training. Teaching me that my body doesn't need to eat so much; that my body shouldn't have to crave sweet, fat and salt all the time; that I can fill up on liquids and nuts instead of potato chips. This really is going to be a routine change. Neil is following along with me, and that support is really helping. I've been entering every single thing I eat into my Points Tracker online. Seeing the running balance of my points allowance left for a given day is really helpful. This is also a great diet plan because you can still enjoy your favorite foods, just in smaller amounts. You can still eat sweets and fats, just in alternate forms. It's all about learning to make healthier choices.

I'm looking forward to this. I need to push myself to be healthier. Not only for my own benefit, but for Neil, for my family, and for any future family that may come along.

Luckily Neil and I LOVE Trader Joe's. We'll be shopping there quite often for our healthy meals in low-point values. Also, I can eat a ton of sashimi whenever we go out for sushi and that makes me really happy.

Thank you to my coworkers who have inspired me to finally do something about the path I was heading down at 100mph. Two of my coworkers are gym-goers and stay toned and trim. Another has been on Weight Watchers since December and has been very successful with it. She looks fantastic and she did it all without fanatical trips to the gym. That is realistic for me. I am not the type to work out like crazy for a few hours just to burn off 200 calories. But I think once I get down to my goal weight I can then maintain that weight by going to the gym and toning up my muscles at that time.

Anyway, I'm going in for my first official weight watchers meeting and weigh-in tonight. I'm hoping to meet successful women as well as women who are struggling with their love for eating like I do. Having a support group during this time is invaluable to me.

Just one more thing ...

That's all I need before leaving for vacation on which I am supposed to relax and forget my worries. But life is making that virtually impossible. Mostly because I'm not sure if we'll even have transportation to get to our destination. That to me is the most frustrating of all of this.

I can handle the stupid-ass parking ticket I got from the City of Sacramento for parking in a wrong space between the wrong hours in a parking garage that I have a monthly permit for. I can handle the fact that I'm 30 pounds overweight. I can even handle the fact that no matter how hard I try to save money, things come up that shove my money right into the hands of someone else. What I cannot handle, is not having reliable transportation.

We took Neil's saab in to the shop last Saturday to have the a.c. recharged. Well, they found a leak with a hose. Tried to repair it. New hose also has a leak. So they replaced something else. A.C. still doesn't work. So each day we get the message "oh, well, we're going to need it for one more day." Even though he knows we need to have it back by Friday to go on our vacation. I've had an entire engine rebuilt in under a week and an entire side of my car rebuilt in two. I have no idea why it's taking them 5 days to fix an a.c. I have a running theory that they either took it on an extended vacation, or they wrecked the car during a test drive and are doing the body work to cover it up. I honestly don't know if we'll ever have that car back. It's a dramatic thing to say, but I'm feeling very emotional right now so bear with me.

To make matters worse, my car decides to crap out on us at the exact same time. The only form of transportation we have between the two of us to get us to our places of work this week and it decides to be a little bitch. At slow speeds it shuts itself off. Yeah ... it should be snuffed alright. I should have bought that Subaru when I was tempted. At least then I'd still have transportation to go on vacation ... whether we could afford anything beyond that is a problem I would deal with at a later date.

I'm so stressed out. Work is insanely busy with people demanding more from us than we have time for (and most are silly tasks) and now all this crap is going on when all I wanted was the peace that was promised with our getaway. Yeah, it's just the cabin ... but that means no cell phones, no internet, no computers. Just me, Neil and the dogs.

But who knows what will happen in the next two days. I'm stressed. And the last thing I need ... is one more thing.