If you only had a month ...

We are officially one month away from my drive to Seattle. From the day I leave my life as I know it behind me and head towards the great unknown. I'm very excited but very nervous. I haven't allowed myself to focus on the unbearably sad parts. I'm not ready yet and I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to dwell on that when I'm alone in my new(ish) city.

I'm so glad mom is driving up with me. I think spending those days driving and the first few days in Seattle with her will really help me transition. But that Monday, when I have to drop her off at the airport and say goodbye ... I'm really not sure how I'm going to make it back home. Hopefully the movers will have shown up and I will be able to bury myself in tasks to get our place ready for Neil's homecoming.

Yeah. The countdown has begun. I may have moved several times in my life, but this one is a first. This is the first time my parents are the ones getting smaller in my rear view.

Hoarder no more

I had a yard sale last weekend to rid myself of the clutter we've accumulated over the past several years together. We're downsizing to a much smaller space so the unnecessary items had to take a hike. It's weird because we feel we're starting over. Like we're fresh out of high school and trying to make it on our own. Who would have thought this new life would seem more like a regression than a "promotion." I'm sure one day the tables will turn.

But our clutter ended up translating to a fat wad of cash from the sale. My aunt and parents came over really early to help me haggle with people, although my primary mantra was "everything for a $1." You'd be surprised how even a dollar wasn't low enough for some people. I had to nicely tell a few to get lost.

The success of the yard sale will pay for the road trip mom and I are about to take up to Seattle. I won't be able to get my moving allowance ahead of time since Neil already technically moved, so this will hold me over until I can be reimbursed by the guvment.

I can't believe the movers will be here in one month. Slowly but surely this is happening. One day at a time.

Absence

I knew how hard dealing with deployment would be when we agreed to this. I'm not a complete stranger to military life. I knew deep down it would be the most difficult thing I'd have to endure to date; the absence of the one my heart belongs to. But I don't think I really realized the magnitude. Or what a roller coaster it would be.

I hate feeling insecure. It took me years to build the confidence I have now, but this new life is doing its best to break me down. I won't let it, of course, but I'd rather not let it effect me quite so much.

I'm sure it takes years of practice to be comfortable with the distance, for it to get even a little bit easier. But this year has been rough. To go from being attached to someone's hip to having more freedom than I'm comfortable handling ... it's suffocating, ironically.

And on days like today, when he's supposed to call but can't or doesn't ... when I've been waiting two weeks just to hear the sound of his voice ... it wears me down. It's all I can do to remind myself it's because he can't call, not because he doesn't want to. Such stupid feelings. Such sadness. The ramblings of an insanely lonely woman. As much as the move ahead scares me, October can't get here soon enough.
I want my family back.

The Leap

Things are starting to happen, and not happen, and it's getting more and more difficult for me to articulate exactly how I'm feeling. I never knew it was possible for time to freeze yet also speed by in a blur. But it's happening. And sooner or later I'll have to face my leap of Faith.

Neil is out and about with the ship, tempting the raging Alaskan seas. I'm at home getting our personal things in order. Attempts to secure my employment in remote status aren't as stable as I was hoping; let's just say I'm not placing bets. But at this point I'm not losing sleep over any decision that's made. They have a month to figure it out and any aftermath will no longer be my concern.

Our first home will soon become a rental and I'm having to set aside my emotional attachments and start visualizing it as an investment property. It's not easy. Especially with the uncertainty of anything that could go wrong and the expenses involved. But I'm trying to set the fear aside and pray we'll know how to face any troubles we meet once we meet them.

I am feeling pretty empty inside. I think that's the one thing keeping me together through this process. If I wasn't 100% certain the emptiness would go away once Neil and I were together again I'm not sure I could handle leaving my family and friends behind. But if it's anything this journey has taught me, it's just how strong the love I have for my husband is and how much love he gives me in return. It certainly keeps me going. Keeps me motivated. Keeps me sane.

I'm not sure how the next six weeks will play out or how I'll handle them. But I'm excited, and not so excited, to get them over with. I don't like crying and I haven't done much of it. It makes other people uncomfortable which in turn makes me uncomfortable. So I'm pretty good at suppressing my pain and laughing it off. I know there will come a point soon when that will be completely impossible to do. I haven't let myself think about that point much.

Sailing

You know a dream is like a river,
Ever changing as it flows,
And the dreamer is just a vessel,
That must follow where it goes.

Trying to learn from what's behind you,
And never knowing what's in store.
Makes each day a constant battle,
Just to stay between the shores.

And I will sail my vessel,
Till the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind,
These waters are my sky.
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel,
Till the river runs dry!

Too many times we stand aside,
And let the water slip away.
And what we put off till tomorrow,
Has now become today.
So don't you sit upon the shore line,
And say you're satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids,
And dare to dance the tides.

There is bound to be rough waters,
And I know I'll take some falls,
With the good lord as my captain,
I can make it through them all!