The Leap

Things are starting to happen, and not happen, and it's getting more and more difficult for me to articulate exactly how I'm feeling. I never knew it was possible for time to freeze yet also speed by in a blur. But it's happening. And sooner or later I'll have to face my leap of Faith.

Neil is out and about with the ship, tempting the raging Alaskan seas. I'm at home getting our personal things in order. Attempts to secure my employment in remote status aren't as stable as I was hoping; let's just say I'm not placing bets. But at this point I'm not losing sleep over any decision that's made. They have a month to figure it out and any aftermath will no longer be my concern.

Our first home will soon become a rental and I'm having to set aside my emotional attachments and start visualizing it as an investment property. It's not easy. Especially with the uncertainty of anything that could go wrong and the expenses involved. But I'm trying to set the fear aside and pray we'll know how to face any troubles we meet once we meet them.

I am feeling pretty empty inside. I think that's the one thing keeping me together through this process. If I wasn't 100% certain the emptiness would go away once Neil and I were together again I'm not sure I could handle leaving my family and friends behind. But if it's anything this journey has taught me, it's just how strong the love I have for my husband is and how much love he gives me in return. It certainly keeps me going. Keeps me motivated. Keeps me sane.

I'm not sure how the next six weeks will play out or how I'll handle them. But I'm excited, and not so excited, to get them over with. I don't like crying and I haven't done much of it. It makes other people uncomfortable which in turn makes me uncomfortable. So I'm pretty good at suppressing my pain and laughing it off. I know there will come a point soon when that will be completely impossible to do. I haven't let myself think about that point much.